Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
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Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.