“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
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kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes