Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
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I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*