It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
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Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.