[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
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Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
no
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I put the h in mysterious.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Best spot.. 😅
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.