It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
shut up and take my money
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.