Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
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*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
calling in to work dehydrated
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane