The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
You Might Also Like
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
lost dog
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭