I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
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*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Not all heroes wear capes…
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Perfect
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus