Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”