Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
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thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.