Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
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Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??