Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
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Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
u spoke cat all this time??????
Lmfao
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils