wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire