Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
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Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
is it earth
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Duck typos.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.