I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
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Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
can’t wait til they legalize outside
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Me if I was a dog
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.