Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
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Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Y’all ready for this
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.