The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
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Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t