*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
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me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
#inspiration #foodforthought
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me: