🤔😂😂
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A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes