I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
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Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.