The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
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me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
The opposite of goth is stopth.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.