Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup