I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
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I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.