Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
You Might Also Like
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
This is what makes twitter great
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA