Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
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The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Birds & Planes.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer