[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
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Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!