One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
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Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.