As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
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I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Good morning, Twitter x
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”