I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
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Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.