[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
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There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.