Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
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NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”