What’s so funny?
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Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.