I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
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if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.