I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
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My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
accurate
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.