Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
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If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
o shit
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
finally found a reasonable question
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes