Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
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I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
accurate
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”