*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
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I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Breaking news:
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer: