When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
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I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
#Caturday
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.