Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
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If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
dads on road-trips be like
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
my mind
You just read my mind
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.