once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
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Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.