I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
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Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.