Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
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pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.