I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
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It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”