Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
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ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.