I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
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*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”