When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
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Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Waiting for the Charmin
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Me :
All Day At Night
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.