“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
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“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that