Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
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Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Birds & Planes.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones