Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
You Might Also Like
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head